thoughts on: SUICIDE

.

Believe me, I though about it before

But every time I feel that blood coming to the surface

I want a reason to close the door

Maybe I am shy to death

Or maybe I am not ready just yet

I am only 20, but 20 years of regret

Make that 21, for the 9 months I waited

Maybe I should’ve chose another egg, another fate

I could be a dancer or a cheerleader

I can be a football player or a vegetable

I could be homeless or have AIDS

I could be happy or I could be my brother

I could’ve been a killer or I could have been the daughter they wanted

But I ended up just being me

It turns out that all the things I hate about me though are not me

I got my height from her, my nose from him

I got my weight from them, and my black eye from him

I got the knife from my brother and he gave me the reason too

And she gave me a little more than a few

But I don’t blame you

I blame me. I blame myself for letting the world in mine

For letting the door unlocked and letting the clock waste my time

A little deeper, start up a little more by the vein

Look at how easy I turn inside out when my blood becomes rain

I was hoping that all the pain would come pouring out

I want that slit to be my mother and that one my father

This big one could be him, dig in the tip to force more out

And I think she could be all the blood that gushes tomorrow

I am not quite ready to let her out of me just yet

I need something to want to die about the next day

Let me go clean off this blade

Before someone sees it

Oh I almost forgot to carve the smile on my face

Now nobody will ever know till I am already gone

1:24 am 12/12/02